so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
