i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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