And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
