Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
