just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
