I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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