she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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