We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
