Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
