I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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