Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
