Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
