Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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