the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
