If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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