So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
