I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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