I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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