Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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