Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
