I want you more than these girls want KFC
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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