The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
