This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
