yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
