It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
