I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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