apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
