Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
