I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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