Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
