A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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