That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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