I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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