You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
