Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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