The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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