I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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