you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
