I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
the liver wants what the liver wants
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
