im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
