you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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