Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
