I'm lost and stupid without you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Quick, to the slutcave!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
