the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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