Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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