We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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