I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
