I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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