omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
