My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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