Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
